Yoga & Ayurveda Blog

I have a confession: When my life did a 180 and we moved so I could teach yoga on Maui, I felt like a complete fraud. What kind of nerve did I have teaching asana and pranayama if I had disregarded some of the most basic philosophical concepts of Patanjali’s astanga yoga? The relationship with my partner and best friend of twenty-two years was damaged probably beyond repair by my harmful actions, and I’m supposed to teach ahimsa?!? This Sanskrit word doesn’t have a perfect English translation, but it roughly means non-violence. Most people expand the definition to include thoughts as well as deeds, so you can see the dilemma I faced. How would I ever retain students once they learned what a poser I really was? Well it turns out that, as usual, I was much harder on myself than anyone else would ever be. As far as I know, not one of my students has judged me based on my past mistakes and transgressions. Most people are simply too busy trying to sort out their own ego, greed and shame to throw me out on the compost pile of naughty yoga teachers. And to be fair to myself, I wasn’t as familiar with the yamas and niyamas before I studied for my teacher training. However, most of these ethical precepts are basically common sense, and sometimes I’ve really been lacking in self-monitoring the extent of the reach of my actions and thoughts. Awareness, as usual, developed first. Noticing the effects of speaking without fully vetting what I was saying, I saw how my shortness could be interpreted as rude or pompous. It’s still hard for me not to be a know-it-all, but sometimes I can actually let a conversation continue without interrupting to set the record straight. Letting go of control just enough to listen attentively without preparing an anecdote at the same time is a little easier. Truly staying present in the here and now to try and understand what others are feeling and believing, and as a result noticing that I can more easily appreciate other peoples opinions. The more I cultivate this notion of ahimsa toward myself, the easier it is for me to be kinder to others. I haven’t completely forgiven myself for my hurtful actions three years ago, but now every time I think about how awfully I behaved, I bring my thoughts around to gratitude. I feel thankfulness that I connected with David, and that we love each other faults and all. I’m grateful that his grown children are a big part of his life and therefore mine. I never wanted kids until I met Dave’s three sons and saw how much they love each other. He lights up every time they chat on hangouts, and it became obvious to me a little over a year ago that I have an urge to experience parenthood with him. I don’t feel like a fraud anymore in any part of my life thanks to love. #kaleandcigarettes #500wordsaday